Bar...

Do you know why they dim down the lights in bars?

To shade customers' sadness...

Quiet...

Its windy and the night is quiet...so quiet that I thought there is just me alone on this path to my home...And because it is dark, I feel safe to wander my way without worrying about what other people see in my eyes...its not easy to hide anything and I am not a good player at heart and there seems to have no reasons for me to do any hide and seek...am I a romanticist...? Its not for me to say but I am definitely an "emotionalist" if there is such word...ooh...with a quick search on Google, there is actually such a word! Everything driven by emotions...That's me...wandering my way home and my mind start to drift to places that are so far away that I find it difficult for me to come back and when I am lost in my thoughts, I cannot feel my body or I don't really know if I exist in this space and time...

Am I thinking about anything in particular? I don't really know...but my heart is in pain and I feel this pain that is tearing me apart...I wish I can tell you that that's just the effect of the alcohol and everything will be fine when I wake up...I am not even sure if I am interested in you or I am simply interested in the idea of you...I don't know any more...

As long as you are well...I remain quiet...

Feelings...

How do I really feel? True feelings is something that is extremely hard to grasp, at least for me when I ask myself how I really feel, I come to a blank...So blank that I thought I am totally empty inside...feelings to my understanding don't come from the mind...its from the heart and if its from the heart, I believe I first have to feel that I actually have a heart...physically. Can you feel your heart all the time? I can feel my heart...sometimes but very often, I start to think and to think and continue to think which make me confused whether I have a heart...So here I am writing this about feelings, I should probably ask myself how do I really feel right now...? I feel angry...worry...lost...and tons of fear...The feeling of not knowing what's next and what I should do to move is daunting...so much fear that I can be stuck in this transistional space forever...which really can be a very long time...even the thought of being stuck in this space is fearful...gosh, what do I have to do to make a change...can I really let go of all the emotions that I can feel within me...

Emotions are left behind by someone or something...which bury deep inside me which I am afraid to look at or thought that I have looked at and want to forget about the whole thing altogether. By not looking at it, I feel so much better and less tears but I know its there, its there that one day, it will reveal itself in a different situation or different time...but the impact will be probably be in a much bigger scale...just like accumulated compound interest of our savings...haha...

Will two parallel lines ever have an intersecting moment? An intersecting moment is brief and its probably not something that will happen in our daily lives...but the thought of it makes me feel sad and so sad that you know whatever you have done previously is meaningless and the process of letting go is extremely hard to do...do I have the courage...? I feel that I have the courage but why is the emotion still within me...deep within my heart? I now know what has been keeping me standing and alive and what I have to give up to die...I have to let you go to free myself or I will be forever stuck, and I really hate the feeling of being stuck...so long my love...I have to let you go and I have to let go of myself and the lot...I don't think there is any more left with me but that is my choice and solely a decision I made following the feelings within me...

Happiness...

As I am sitting in this minibus, I can't help to realise the simplicity of happiness...It was as simple as catching a bus on time, a nice meal, or simply a pleasant day...what has come of me...I wonder...why is happiness seem to be so far away from me...

Are you happy?

你不是真正的快樂

人群中哭著 你只想變成透明的顏色
你再也不會夢 或痛 或心動了
你已經決定了 你已經決定了

你 靜靜 忍著 緊緊把昨天在拳心握著
而回憶越是甜 就是 越傷人了
越是在 手心留下
密密麻麻 深深淺淺 的刀割

你不是真正的快樂
你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

這 世界 笑了 於是你合群的一起笑了
當生存是規則 不是 你的選擇
於是你 含著眼淚
飄飄蕩蕩 跌跌撞撞 的走著

你不是真正的快樂
你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了 也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

你不是真正的快樂
你的傷從不肯完全的癒合
我站在你左側 卻像隔著銀河
難道就真的抱著遺憾一直到老了 然後才後悔著

你值得真正的快樂
你應該脫下你穿的保護色
為什麼失去了 還要被懲罰呢

能不能就讓 悲傷全部
結束在此刻 重新開始活著

What's the worry...?

Me & My Whisky...

In my dream, I walk down the alley and there I saw a friend who came to me and told me that she saw them...

"Them" is a mystery as the word has triggered many faces inside of me who I know and will probably avoid to see or to touch...in this moment in time...in my dream...I wonder why dreams are becoming so vivid and reality becoming so washed out, or is it the vice versa...I wonder and wonder as I slowly walk away again from my dream and start to hear the annoying phone alarm that won't stop, like magic, I am back to my room...Was it the effect of my whisky that I had the night before...

Answers...

Knowing myself enough? I have been asking myself these questions...what is the true desire in my heart? What is the reason behind me wanting to be selfless? Or do I really want to be selfless or was it just a mask that I put on? I can only answer these questions if I have a clear knowing of myself and not drill deeper into the emotions which I have released...I am blessed for whatever is happening to me because I know when I can walk through it, I will be one step forward on my journey and my inner strength will continue to grow. I am blessed that people around me are loved and I am loved and eventhough I was lost and being a naughty child, I am being accepted...I will continue to look for answers, until then I send you my best wishes to you for whatever there will be ahead for any of us...

From Stuart...

Confusion is a manifestation of an unsettled intellect. The intellect is dominated by the ego. So confusion is mostly the ego's chatter harassing your life. Train the ego to ask few questions and answer most of the others with 'I dont know and I dont care'

Tears...

Recently, I noticed that I am always in tears...unfortunately, the moments are of pain and sadness...I believe I am an emotional person and I am very emotional towards anything that you can think of. And today, my tears are out of control and I cannot stop myself from crying and crying and my face, my shirt are all wet with tears...do you ever wonder why tears will come when feelings touches our hearts? I don't understand either but at this moment in time, my tears don't come out from my eyes any more but within my heart, its painful and I don't understand how I can live with this pain for any longer...is it because I don't love myself enough? It appears to me that there is little meaning to anything that I can think of, anything that I used to love and anything that I used to have feelings for...I know this is happening because I allow this to happen and only then can I see deep within myself...deep into my darkness...

Puzzle...

Have you ever played puzzle? I have played puzzle a number of time and the interesting thing about puzzle is that the beginning is always the hardest and it gets easier along the way...

However, recently I have noticed something else about puzzle...or in fact anything that you have to build and end with the full picture...its the feeling of seeing the full picture. Seeing the full picture gives you an instant feeling of satisfaction but very soon this feeling will be replaced by a moment of lost. Lost from coming to an end, an end that can never be avoid and you already know it when you first begin...isn't that extraordinary? People are not tired from repeating this again and again and dive into this process...sometimes the process may take a few weeks as in the case of puzzles but others could take up to years, and the longer this process takes, the harder you will be crushed when you reach to an end...sounds like crushing into a wall doesn't it? This is because it happens very fast and happens long before you know it or maybe deep down you have foresee the day but you will never believe it is now...

You know how I feel I hope...because I know these pieces of puzzles within my heart will always be lost...

逝去的心

從前為了你　心已盡碎
在我腦海失去
我的痴心這陣都已靜如水
從來沒怨句　只有面對
就算愛得不對
壓抑的心滿是傷心的字句
再走不出風雨中
沒法掩飾情心的悲痛
誰又知道　心中你的比重
縱使高呼空虛
逝去的心如此的冰凍
如明白我　風裡寂寞倍感心痛

從前在鬥氣　都算樂趣
熱愛始終粉碎
似彼將一塊石拋進入湖水
茫然望過去　心似亂絮
沒有愛得不對
聽到風聲朗誦傷心的字句
再走不出風雨中
沒法掩飾情心的悲痛
誰又知道　心中你的比重
縱使高呼空虛
逝去的心如此的冰凍
如明白我　風裡寂寞倍感心痛
茫然望過去　心似亂絮
沒有愛得不對
聽到風聲朗誦傷心的字句
再走不出風雨中
沒法掩飾情心的悲痛
誰又知道　心中你的比重
縱使高呼空虛
逝去的心如此的冰凍
如明白我　風裡寂寞倍感心痛

Fixed...

Friday night, not going anywhere, staying at home by myself, heavy rain outside and its windy...listening to a CD that I loved since Uni...fixed a lamp that has been left untouched for over half a year...when I turn on the light, I am sooooo happy because I didn't know I can fix it myself...won't it be a breeze when we can one day finally fixed up something that we have left in the dark untouched for so long? I wonder and wonder...Its getting late, so goodnight and be well...

Music...

Music playing softly behind me and here I am, typing this post of the day...at this time of the night, all I want to do is allow the music flow into me and bring me to a distance place where I can be me again...

Just like any other day...

Today, just like any other day, everything seems to back into shape, into shape in the sense that as if nothing has happened...I was sitting in MacDonald's, having a chicken burger and fries and I watched the people come and go...come and go...ohoh, I also had their new freshly brewed coffee, the day repeated itself, so I tried to do something different each day, or write something different each day and give more each day so that I will no longer be in the chain, the chained system...Have you seen "The Groundhog Day"? Only with love in your heart for the entire humanity will you break free from the pattern...there are so many that we just have to let go and simply follow where our heart goes and you will be free...well...hehe...at least that's what I got from seeing that movie hmm...5 times...so far...

Wish you are well and sound!

To be less...

Interesting day today because things are moving rather slow and I am moving extremely slow...I have decided that I should write something everyday to give my mind a rest and gush my feelings out in my words...I am just thinking whether I should give myself a guideline of how many words to write daily or should I just go with the flow...I wonder because sometimes me without guidelines can be extremely slack...slack in a way that I will not be able to keep this up everyday eventhough i really have nothing to do, how's that!? Well, sometimes I feel that that's the way I am designed and somehow the main current kept changing me into what I am now but hell I know what I really am and what I really wanna do, do I...?!

More interestingly, rumours about a bank financial status already got everyone rushing to the bank hoping to withdraw everything in one go...one single rumour and that can be the end of another financial institution...people just freak out...just like that, and at this moment in time, we don't even know who spread that rumour!

Things are moving fast especially in the financial institution area, please stay calm and be less...

Lazy Lazy

OK...OK, I know I have been super lazy with this blog writing...been too busy with myself lately and sure enough, I have no dedicate any time to share with you, but maybe its meant to be now which is to me the best time.

From now on, I believe I should share so much more with others and not focusing mainly on myself because to me I am always not connected too well with the humanity and nature, so here I am working towards this selflessness but I must say that I am so easily trigger by my cunning ego...like yesterday night when I was having dinner with my family and I got triggered and make the waitress feel bad for making a tiny tiny mistake or actually its not really a mistake but a minor dishonesty or whatever the truth is...in fact I don't even know what the truth is...

Its always hard to see what's true and what's not because at the end of the day, there is really no universal right or wrong...do you agree?

September 09, 2008

This marks the first written material on this particular site which I accidentally run into and created for a brand new me with nothing behind me any more.

I shared this with you...